Luminary
by skymateria
Summary: How does a Nobody react to the death of someone he cherished, even without his heart? Strong yaoi lemon, language... Kinda sad. Don't say I didn't warn you.


Axel came in without bothering to knock. Luckily enough I was clothed at the time, and so I wasn't quite as annoyed as I could've been, but I still shot him a disapproving look as he strode brazenly into the room. He had interrupted my sitar practice.

His face was tight, eyes not playful like they usually were. Wanting to know what had induced his seriousness, I carefully placed Arpeggio down on the bed beside me and looked up at Number VIII quizzically. He should be pleased, shouldn't he? Back from Castle Oblivion at last.

"Demyx. We lost Zexion."

His words were clear enough, but I couldn't understand them properly. I felt my head tilting slowly to the side in confusion, although a part of my brain had got the message perfectly well the first time round. It just didn't want to accept it. It didn't make sense. "… What do you mean, we lost Zexion?"

The redhead's eyes narrowed, brow creasing in impatience. "As in, he's gone."

"Where's he gone?"

I put no thought into the words whatsoever; they just came out, feeble and slurred. I was talking just to fill silence now, wanting something to distract me. I didn't want to think properly about what Axel had said.

Unfortunately, Axel didn't seem to feel like playing nice, either that or he didn't notice my weak tone of voice. He replied in a snap which caused me to physically flinch away.

"He's dead, Demyx. He's dead and he's gone and he's not coming back. Got it memorised?"

The way he added that casual little catchphrase on the end stung me almost more than his bluntness. I stared gormlessly up at him, taking a few moments to build any sort of response, and even then having great difficulty in forcing it out. A strange kind of pain had started in my head, and my chest hurt when I tried to breathe. It was very distracting.

"That's not funny, Axel. You shouldn't joke about things like that, especially since he's your superior."

Axel gave a feral snarl and lurched forwards, grabbing my shoulders suddenly. I just sat there, too stunned to do anything. Somehow, I hadn't expected his composure to shatter like that, even though I knew he was so hot tempered. My mind was lagging behind events, bemused and affronted by them.

"Demyx, are you fucking stupid? I'm not screwing around here! I came to tell you Zexion's dead, because he died on his mission in Castle Oblivion, and I felt like you should know. All right? Zexion is gone. He might as well have never existed."

I could've sat through it all, silent and shocked, had it not been for that last sentence. Whatever kind of a mood Axel had been in, those words were totally unnecessary, sprinkling salt into the brand new wound. I found myself standing up slowly, as if I was in a trance. I wondered what I was doing.

I had never punched anyone before then, in all my life. I regretted it almost instantly, for many reasons. I hated violence, Axel was my friend, and my hand was now hurting, to name but a few. But I couldn't help it. The sole good thing about it was that it slapped me from my reverie at last.

"Don't say that!" I yelled, trembling violently as I stared at my comrade, who was standing there with an expression of utter disbelief, one hand at his cheek, which was swiftly turning bright red from my attack. Vaguely, I was aware that I was giving far too much away about myself and Zexion here; Axel knew I wouldn't react like that for little or no reason. But it was done now, I thought grimly.

Axel met my eyes again after a moment, and his own bright green orbs were full of anger and exasperation as he glared at me, standing up straighter again. He certainly wasn't in one of his better frames of mind today. But then again, being punched by me, the Organization's resident pacifist, must have been quite humiliating. I was hoping he hadn't taken it personally.

"There's no need for violence, Demyx, I was only telling it the way it is. But you think you had something _special _with Number VI, don't you? Just because you two were _fucking_. That's the only real reason you reacted like that. Don't think I haven't noticed you two."

I was torn over what to say, words clogging together in my throat so that I could only let out a strangled groan as I fell back onto the bed, head dropping to stare at the floor. The pounding in my skull was growing stronger.

"You think you're so special, don't you? You think you can _feel_. You can't feel, Demyx, none of us can. It's not love when you don't have a heart. If you and Zexion shared anything, it was just lust, nothing more. So snap out of it already and apologise to me."

I couldn't bear it. No, of course I couldn't feel. I knew as well as any of the others that there was no heart within me to feel _with _– how many times had everyone told me, after all? But Axel was wrong. Something had been there, other than just carnal desire. I knew it.

"No!" I shrieked before I could stop myself. I wasn't going to last very much longer, I had to shout while I still could. The hysteria was coming, I could sense it building and building inside me. Fuzziness was messing up my vision, and I could feel myself swaying slightly.

"Don't just assume you know everything about – us! Of course we can't feel, Axel, but me and Zexion, we have -" I suddenly remembered the purpose of Axel's visit, and felt like I was going to be sick. "- we _had _something, we did! Even if it was just remembering how happiness felt, we were happy, when we were together, and we were happy to just have each other, and not need anyone else!"

Axel looked almost like he was going to start yelling back at me, but at last his more civilised side seemed to kick in, and he sighed heavily, setting himself down heavily on the bed beside me. I just sat there, barely registering his presence, breathing shakily.

"Demyx. I'm sorry. But – there was nothing there, not ever. It was only lust. And he's gone. But you know that anyone in the Organization would be perfectly willing, and perfectly capable, to give you what he gave you, any time. Any of us could make you… 'happy', too. There's no need for you to feel like you've lost anything unique." He shifted a little, and I felt a spidery hand on my thigh. Axel's hand. "I could take your mind off him for you right now, if you wanted." he murmured.

I looked up slowly, seeing my friend through swimming eyes. Axel, out of everyone in the Organization, I would have expected to understand, at least a little, how I was currently feeling. He had Roxas, didn't he? Wasn't Roxas special to him, the way Zexion was – _had been _– special to me?

I didn't understand why everything was all blurry, and why my voice was cracked when I spoke, but that just didn't matter for now.

"I can't believe you're propositioning me right now, Axel," I whispered. "Get out. Now." My voice rose, wobbling horribly, and the pressure was excruciating in my head. I found myself struggling to my feet, sobbing for breath and trying my damndest to shove Axel bodily from the room.

"_Just leave me alone!"_

I slammed the door, and I fumbled with the lock for several seconds before I managed to do it up. I could feel wetness overflowing from my eyes. I didn't understand what it was, why it was there, but I guessed the strange pain and blank emptiness inside had brought it on.

I staggered back over to my bed, and threw myself into it face first. I could hear Axel mumbling awkwardly from beyond the door; it sounded like some kind of embarrassed apology. But I wasn't going to let him in, not right now. I didn't want to let anyone in at this point. I didn't want to know what anyone thought, or what they wanted.

I curled my arms around my pillow and cried.

_The unmistakable, eerie rippling of a dark corridor opening behind me made me jump, and I sat exactly where I was in terrified silence, staring out across the waves, waiting in dread to hear the sharp reprimand that Saïx would have for me. I had skirted one mission too many, hadn't I? He'd finally caught up with my laziness, and now I was in for it. _

_The silence went on, longer than I had expected it to, and eventually curiosity got the better of me. I turned, slowly. I hadn't realised I had been holding my breath until it all whooshed out of me in a huge sigh of relief. _

"_Zexion?"_

_The slate-haired man just nodded quietly, slowly pattering over the sand and sitting down beside me. I hadn't expected that, not at all. Not to say that I wasn't glad to see him; his mere arrival had brightened my mood; it was just unusual. I was about to ask why he was here, but he was already on my trail. _

"_Don't you have work to do, Demyx?"_

_I hung my head. "I guess I do."_

"_Then why aren't you doing it?"_

_I couldn't hold in the soft sound of disappointment. Was he in one of his serious moods, then? _

_But I would at least be honest with him. He wouldn't scold me for telling the truth, like everyone else would. _

"_I wanted to come and look at the waves again. When I look at the waves, I find it easier to remember what having a heart was like. It's like I can feel. They help me remember how to."_

_Zexion half-smiled, automatically. "You know that we can't feel, Demyx," he murmured; his default reaction whenever I started up about emotion or feeling. I opened my mouth to argue, but he continued in that smooth, gorgeous voice before I could. And there was no way I would ever interrupt a noise as beautiful as that. "… But there's no reason why you can't remember, I suppose. They are not the same thing, though. Remembering isn't as strong, or as real. You know that, don't you?"_

_I nodded slowly. "I know. But it's better than nothing at all."_

_Quietude went on for several minutes, and almost without thinking, I pulled his hand into mine, rubbing his knuckles slowly and thoughtfully. He looked down at our intertwined hands with a small smile; and I found myself smiling back helplessly. Zexion barely ever smiled. But when he did, it had an effect so profound on me it was almost embarrassing. _

_Eventually I came back to my senses enough to remember that question I'd wanted answering. "…Zexion… Why'd you come and find me?"_

_The diminutive Nobody by my side moved silently closer to me, and smiled again, the affectionate expression looking out of place on such serene features. "Oh, Demyx… You don't remember? And yet you still came here on this day… Curious. Maybe your subconscious remembered."_

_I pursed my lips in confusion, giving him an uncertain look and wishing for an explanation. "Remember what?"_

_The hand wrapped around mine squeezed gently. "Number IX, it is six months since the day we first sat on this beach and kissed."_

_I turned my head to stare at him, shocked at myself for forgetting the date of such a memory, especially one I held so very precious. It'd been my very first kiss, after all. I begged him with my eyes to forgive my foolishness, and he just laughed; a soft, melodic sound. _

"_I already knew you find it easier to feel when you see the sea, Demyx. I could tell when you kissed me, you meant that." _

_I nodded slowly, and let my eyes fall closed, waiting patiently to hear some more of that perfect voice. To my slight confusion, it did not continue as quickly as I had expected, and indeed, the next time he spoke, there was a slight hesitance in his tone. _

"… _I came to find you, Demyx… Because I thought that perhaps… We should mark this little anniversary somehow."_

_I felt my breath catch in my throat, and hoped he hadn't heard it. But I had a very strong feeling that I knew what was coming next. I could feel him leaning a little closer to me, but it still made me jump slightly when his voice sounded again, just a whisper in my ear. _

"_Tell me, Demyx… If the waves help you to feel… What do you feel right now? Do you trust me?"_

_I opened my eyes at last; there was only so long I could sit there, blind, when Zexion was sounding so sexy. Surely he must look very sexy right now, as well. I looked into those crystalline, icy eyes, and gave him a silent nod. Out of the corner of my eye, I watched a little smile catch his lips._

"_Do you love me?"_

_The question caught me unaware, but I didn't have to think to give him a reply. I leaned close, whispering into his ear this time, gently pulling aside strands of silky hair first. "So much."_

_There was heat in my voice which I hadn't intended on, and I felt a blush swiftly working itself onto my face. But Zexion just smirked slightly, slowly pushing me back. I let myself be moved around easily, putty in his hand. My hands moved to aid his as he gradually unzipped my cloak, his eyes raking across my newly-exposed skin with a hunger I hadn't ever seen before. Nobody had ever looked at me in that way. It felt strange._

_He seemed to notice my apprehension, and his gaze softened for just a moment as he pulled the folds of my cloak aside, so that they fanned out like wings around me. "You're such a virgin, aren't you…" he murmured, somehow managing to make the comment sound gentle. Everyone else had turned it into an insult. _

_I nodded earnestly. "Well… Y-yeah."_

_Another soft laugh from the small, graceful body above me. "Don't be nervous, Demyx. I'll be especially careful with you this time, then, I promise."_

_Of course I had been listening to him the whole time; but the last part of his sentence interested me especially. "What do you mean, 'this time'?" I asked quietly, slightly dazed by all the current happenings._

_He fixed my eyes with another captivating smile. "What, you don't think I would just steal your innocence and leave, do you?" he breathed. "I hope to return for multiple encores over time, if you would not protest."_

"_Never…" I replied quietly, eliciting another quiet chuckle from the Schemer, turning his attention now from my face to my crotch, fluidly undoing my tight leather pants and tugging them gently to around my thighs. I could feel the pink hue of my cheeks intensifying, but I didn't want him to stop; not at all. A soft groan fell from my lips as his hands ghosted back up to pull at my underwear, and I allowed him to yank them down as well with no resistance. I knew that I didn't have to bother hiding things from him._

_He made a soft sound, sounding almost thoughtful. "That's quite something you've been hiding, Demyx. It's lucky Vexen and Marluxia don't know about it…"_

_I shivered slightly at the mere thought of either of them advancing on me; well, anyone other than Zexion, really. Zexion was safe territory, and I didn't feel like dipping outside of my safe zone any time soon, not for anyone. The Schemer gave another gentle laugh, leaning down for just a moment to nuzzle against my cheek. "Would you like to help undress me, perhaps, Demyx? That would be very useful."_

_I required very little encouragement for such a thing, although my fingers slipped and twitched several times while I tried to undo his cloak. At last the material flapped fully open, and the sight of his bare torso, subtly muscled, but still exceedingly slim, caused a small ripple to run right through me. As I watched in awe, he slowly dug a hand into one of his pockets and withdrew a small tube. "I think this might be a good idea, don't you…"_

_I smiled faintly, having quite a hard time concentrating on his words, but just about managing enough to agree. Even I wasn't so naïve that I didn't see the upside of using lube for my first time. _

_He leaned close to me, watching his own hand carefully for a few moments as he slicked up his fingers, before turning his attention back to my face, a mockery of affection in his wintery eyes, which quickly changed to lust as he gently pushed a single digit into my body. I let out a small squeak at the curious sensation, but before I could make another sound, his lips found mine, a simple and effective distraction from the ministrations of his hand. _

_He thrust his finger shallowly a few times, allowing me to accustom to it, before smoothly adding another, his lips muffling my involuntary whimper. _

_Gently, Zexion pulled away from my face, trying to mask his animalistic craving as he met my eyes. His breath was slightly harsher than usual, but I could tell he was doing his best to be polite. "Is it… All right..?" he asked slowly, his voice slightly strained – but still the best sound I'd ever heard, regardless. I nodded breathlessly, and his answering smile made any discomfort totally worth it. "I'm glad… You're so good, Demyx…" His lips collided with mine again as he pushed a third finger carefully inside. _

_It was a struggle, to focus on returning him any form of good kiss, but somehow I managed, his own capable lips encouraging a reaction out of my own in a way that was almost kindly. He continued to slowly thrust his fingers throughout the contact, and eventually he pulled back again, eyes burning even more than before. _

"_Are you ready?"_

_I could barely even find the strength to nod, but I knew Zexion could read all he needed to from the desperation painfully clear on my face, and indeed he did. A devious smirk played around his lips as he leaned away just a fraction to slide his pants and underwear down and spread a little lube across his own rather impressive length, and then he was back over me, rubbing his body momentarily against mine before he slowly pushed in. I could only gasp pathetically at the sensation, but Zexion was much quicker to react. _

"_Oh Demyx..! So fucking tight… So warm…"_

_My response was a hopelessly virgin one; although he probably hadn't expected much else. I whimpered quietly, staring up at him with wide eyes. "Z-Zexy…"_

_He didn't respond verbally, merely dropping his lips to catch mine again, in a kiss so urgent it was almost searing, his hips moving slowly as he tried to find the right spot. I was thankful for his caution, and sat out the bizarre sensations as quietly as I could while I waited for perfection to arrive. Hell, I knew I would endure more or less anything for Zexion._

_I couldn't help but be vaguely impressed by how little time it took him; but my coherent thoughts all vanished rather quickly at about this point, and my head lolled back in the sand, teeth clenched against cries that probably would've shattered windows, had there been any nearby. But control was slipping away faster than I could comprehend, and soon, far sooner than I'd expected, I could feel fierce heat pulsing in my abdomen, and those yelps and moans I'd tried to restrain all leaked out gracelessly, mingling with the sweet sounds Zexion was making._

_The pleasure was blinding. I could think of nothing but. Suddenly I understood why everyone in the Organization seemed to spend all their free time copulating. It was so good._

_Everything was beginning to blur together as the Schemer's thrusts grew stronger and faster, all the time. I could just about hear my own wails and shouts, and Zexion's, but everything seemed almost too intense to be absorbed. The next thing I was properly aware of was Zexion's scream, and then my own, signalling our climaxes at last. _

_The blazing hot body atop mine finally slumped, and my arms flailed up feebly to cradle him to me. We lay pressed together, panting, for a minute or two, before I eventually tried to move again, sweeping aside his secretive fringe and staring into his beautiful eyes. To my slight surprise, he was staring right back, a small, refined smile somehow already back on his face._

"_You know something, Demyx? I don't care what the Superior says. Even if I'm just remembering, as well… I love you, too."_

I woke up with my arms still wrapped tightly around my pillow and my legs curled up close to me. The skin around my eyes felt dry and tight. I must have cried myself to sleep, I supposed dully.

I slowly stretched myself out over the bed, my foot coming into contact with Arpeggio; I had forgotten that I'd just left him there. Slowly, I sat up and pulled the sitar into my lap, strumming at the strings without any real conviction. The dream had left me feeling totally lifeless.

That memory was one of the best I had. But in light of yesterday's bad news, it had suddenly become bitter. Now, thinking about it just made me lonely, not ecstatic, lucky, like it used to.

I glanced briefly at the clock by my bed. I had slept the whole night, just about, but it was still dreadfully early. There was hardly any chance that anyone else would be awake yet. Slowly, I hauled myself to my feet and left the room, being quiet so as not to wake any of the light sleepers along my corridor. I walked the familiar, fastest route up to Zexion's room, wondering if I would actually be able to get inside. I didn't even really know why I wanted to go there; it just seemed like the right thing to do.

Luckily enough, the door was unlocked, and I let myself in quietly, as if it was still inhabited; I'd learnt long ago that if you were going to interrupt Zexion, you should never do it noisily. His room looked just the way it had last time I'd been here, nothing had changed. I could almost convince myself that he was simply out on a mission.

Not knowing why, I began to look aimlessly through his belongings. He'd be so mad at me if he knew – but the fact was, he didn't know. He never would. I was safe. Maybe I would find something small and discreet which I could take without it being noticed, which I could keep as a memory. After all, there wasn't anything else left. Cruel as the words had been, Axel had been right. Zexion was gone without the tiniest of traces.

His wardrobe was full of black cloaks and leather pants, nothing more, nothing special; but I stayed there longer than rational, just breathing. It smelled just like him. It was as if he was standing right next to me.

In his bed the scent was even stronger, and before I could summon the will against it, I gave in to myself and quietly curled up under his duvet, wanting nothing more than to just huddle in the safe warmth for now, breathe that smell, and pretend that his arms were around me. I could feel that strange, warm, wet feeling in my eyes again, and soon that inexplicable moisture was running down my face, just like before.

Yes, I was a Nobody, without a heart to feel pain, or love.

But that didn't mean that I couldn't sorely miss the treasure that I had lost.


End file.
